TGIF?

Fridays tend to be lonely for me as a Trooper’s wife. On the day that most people are having date nights, going out to dinner, going to the movies, etc. I am usually home alone studying. Adjusting to a schedule that coincides with Jamie’s has been a challenge, especially with the recent addition of Schroder to our lives. I am still working on whether to be productive during the day when Jamie isn’t working or to attempt to make myself nocturnal like my husband. I admit, I’m not sure what the balance should look like yet. It is a weird paradox because I often feel like I am still single as far as hang out time with friends, Friday and Saturday nights at home by myself, etc and yet I still don’t seem to be able to carve out much alone time for myself. I think it is because when Jamie is at work I have procrastinated studying and other things all day long so I feel like it is crunch time to get things done in the evenings.

I often daydream about what it would be like if Jamie and I both had “normal” schedules. I imagine how wonderful it would be for both of us to come home in the evenings and just spend time together instead of studying, working, going to a million meetings, or crashing from sheer exhaustion. But this is where God has us right now so instead of dreaming about what things could be like, we have to roll up our sleeves and work to make things mesh with our current schedules….easier said than done, but something that is worth working for. That’s the thing about marriage – it’s not a happy ending, but instead the beginning of a lot of hard work toward happiness and most of all, toward glorifying God together.

On that note….back to my Friday night of studying ;)

living in the shadows....

Warning: This blog contains actual excerpts from my journal so prepare for the transparency....

As the oldest sibling, I never expected to feel like I was living in the shadow of one of my sisters (yes, Tiff, I'm talking about you). Lately, though, I find a fairly unfamiliar feeling of....sibling rivalry? no...jealousy? maybe a little....inadequacy? maybe a lot....creeping up more and more. As much as I ADORE having Tiff in the same town as me, I can also feel the comparisons between us brewing. Maybe these are mostly in my head and are tied back to that feeling of inadequacy thing (which seems to be pervading so many areas of my life lately), but constantly hearing how awesome Tiffany is makes me feel distinctly un-awesome. Here's the thing... she is awesome...I whole-heartedly agree! But more and more I have begun to feel invisible in comparison.

The thing about living in the shadows is that it's easy to get lost there, to stay in the dark and have a pity party, and that's the opposite of what I want. I want to live in the light of Christ. I don't want to seek my worth in the opinions of others, but I can't lie, what others think (especially those who I am closest to and living in community with) matters to me. And as much as I want to seek my complete fulfillment in Christ alone, I am trying to balance that with our call to live in community, to encourage one another and to spur each other on to righteousness. Somehow I can't reconcile always feeling poured out and never feeling poured into with Christ's will for me. Maybe that's a flaw in my own logic but that's where I am right now....trying to navigate my way out of the shadows and find the light.

randomness...take 2

Well, once again I have been tagged for randomness....this time by Janine and Nicole both of whom are doing some amazing work in Kenya so check out their blogs as well as the Nuru website! Since Janine always wants update on my life, I will try to keep these more recent than my last random post.

1. My new favorite Starbucks treat is the Peppermint Mocha twist for a couple reasons: #1 It is very holiday-ish which I love #2 I actually hate coffee and for some reason Peppermint Mocha is the only coffee I can stand #3 it has fun whipped cream with some kind of pepperminty sprinkles.
2. I feel a little like Napoleon Dynamite these days because "my lips hurt real bad." As the temperature has decreased and winds have increased in the fall to winter transition my lips have become so cracked and dry. Guess I should just ask the school nurse for some chapstick....I'm sure she has like 5 sticks in her drawer ;)
   
3. I have been reading the gospels lately and have been noticing how much the word "immediately" is used, especially in the book of Mark. Still trying to flush out the significance of this but if you have any ideas or know about the word in the original language, please comment and share :)
4. Man, my abs are sore today from running a 3 mile hill run yesterday -- that's how out of shape I am....but, working in getting back in shape and training for a half-marathon in January.
5. Even though my birthday was 2 months ago, I still frequently forget how old I am. When people ask, I'm usually like, "26? Oh no, I mean 27!" Not sure how long it will take me to get used to being 27, but I'd say by that time I will probably be turning 28...
6. I think I must be one of the clumsiest people in the world (and I'm pretty sure Jamie would agree)....An example: The other day I was running around the house so the puppy would chase me (don't ask, he likes to play) and somehow managed to slide across the kitchen floor and fall into our dining room table and chairs, meanwhile hurling into the air the ketchup and mustard I was holding. The end result was me laying in the floor crying (have no idea why) and Schroder whining because he thought I was hurt. I bet it would have been hilarious to watch. Hopefully it will be on my blooper reel ;)
   

I am not going to tag anyone else because I think everyone I know has already been tagged and I can see this vicious cycle of tagging and re-tagging continuing on for eternity.

I do have to give Janine props for inspiring me to use the colorful blog posts. Never even knew I could do that until I saw her "coat of many colors" blog ;)

like a caged animal...

Those of you who read the last post know that Jamie and I just got a dog on Friday. He came from the pound where he was crated for most of the day (a good thing for us now since he is already crate trained). The interesting thing is that now that he has freedom to roam around most of the day and only be in his crate when we aren't here or are in bed, there are times when he would prefer to just go lay in his crate. It is familiar to him, his comfort zone.

As I was reflecting on this, I began to realize that it is much the same way we act in our walk with Christ. We are absolutely free in Him but often we prefer to stay in our cage of comfort and familiarity. What will happen if we branch out? What will happen if we take that first step of faith? What will happen if we run in complete freedom after God? What will happen if we let go of our fear of the unknown and instead live in the presence of the All-Knower?

Why do we continue to live in captivity instead of embracing our freedom?

I love how Charlie Hall describes our freedom in Christ in his song, "Chainbreaker":

You are free
You are free
Yeah the Son has set you free
Drop your chains
Sons and daughters
Come and run in liberty

Maybe we don't realize the power that is in our freedom, that it is something we should run to and rejoice in . We are free from so many things that chain others and yet we don't take advantage of: societal roles and classes, injustice, worry, death, despair...just to name a few. Isaiah puts it this way and Jesus affirms that this is the reason He came to earth:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Not only does Christ set us free, he exchanges the things that enslave us for so much more. Today, I pray that you live in the freedom Christ has given you and take full advantage of your crown of beauty, oil of gladess and garment of praise in times of mourning and despair. Because when we truly live in freedom, not only are we blessed, but we display the Lord's splendor to a world in chains.

new addition to the rickard family...

No, despite the current pregnancy craze among everyone I know, that's not the kind of addition I'm talking about....We got a dog! He is a rescue from the animal shelter named Schroeder and he's 10 weeks old. Check out all his cute-ness below:

unsettled

Big things are happening these days... exciting things, amazing things. They seem to be happening all around me to people I really care about and while I am so happy and excited for them, I can't help but feel a little twinge of... jealousy? desire? discontent? Here's the thing: I want to be doing something I really love, something I am passionate about and that I know is making an impact for Christ. The question I keep asking myself is: Is that where med school is going to get me or am I going to get to the end of this long process and wish I had done something else? I truly felt like this was where God was leading me and yet it is so hard and miserable and unenjoyable most of the time that it makes me wonder why God wouldn't call me to something that I really love. I know this life is about laying down my own life in order to pursue what God has for me (and maybe the misery is just part of class and not medicine itself) and yet it seems so much harder to lay down your life for endless studying, constant stress and missing out on so much time with friends and family than to lay it down for a big adventure. It seems harder to trust God's provision when you could just work and be equally dissatisfied than as when you are traveling across the world or getting to share with others something you are completely passionate about and sold out for. Maybe this is just a little discouragement talking or maybe everyone feels this way, but it is getting increasingly hard to miss out on things I do care about and enjoy to do something I don't and on top of it all, to continually question what my true strengths and gifts are and how they can be used. It is difficult to understand why God would take me away from something I was good at to do something I'm not so good at. I don't have any less confidence that God has a plan for me, I am just wondering and questioning what it is, which I think is all a part of the pursuing process. So here I am: pursuing, questioning, wondering, maybe wandering and trying to figure it all out, one step of faith at a time.

their welfare is ours

I have been reading Jeremiah lately and despite having a gnarly call (you can read about it but basically Jeremiah gets to deliver mostly bad news, is told by God not to pray for the people he is prophesying to and is threatened with death several times not to mention beaten and put in prison) he speaks the truth of God, no matter what the consequences. He is called to tell Israel that they would be going into exile in Babylon as punishment for their rebellion against God. Then, he is called by God to speak to those who are in exile and I think what he has to say is interesting:

"...seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare." Jeremiah 29:7

God doesn't ask the Israelites to simply be content with the place He has sent them into exile, He asks them to INVEST there even while waiting for their return to their own country. This passage really hit me...How often am I content with where I am but looking ahead to what's next instead of taking time to invest in the place that God has put me? Even more importantly, how often am I investing in my city, in those outside my church or Christian community?

Lately, God has given me the privilege to witness the power of this type of investment. We (meaning members of my community and I) have taken advantage of the opportunity over the last several weeks to visit the Rail Trail here in Morgantown and just hang out with and get to know some of the people who call it or the Bartlett House their home. It started out with just a few of us, but as the group has grown it has been awesome just watching people fall in love with people. I think too often we separate ourselves from those who suffer because we don't know how to deal with the suffering. What I've learned from some of my friends on the Rail Trail is that, suffering or not, they just want to be treated as people instead of problems. While they appreciate the physical resources that are provided for them, they appreciate even more being able to tell their stories, voice their concerns and have people actually listen, invest, and care... And we should care...Why?

Because their welfare is ours.

Because their problems are ours.

Because their hurt is ours.

We simply cannot know the injustice and hurt that happens around us and not invest in the solution. And God asks us to invest in the place where He has put us, whether we like that place or not. The Israelites were asked to invest in their city of exile...Will you invest in your city?