funk

So this video pretty much describes my life the past couple days. Sometimes I feel myself being dragged down into the pit of despair by med school, other commitments, feeling like I never have time to see my friends or fiance, frustrations with looking for a house to buy, etc. Lately I feel like I have been spreading myself so thin and pouring myself out and yet not feeling successful in any area of my life, almost like a hamster on a wheel -- expending a lot of energy and getting nowhere. And for some reason, maybe due to exhaustion or feeling like I was once again missing out on a fun activity because of studying, last night everything hit the fan. I suddenly found myself being so negative, not hopeful at all -- exactly the way I DON'T want to be. It's funny how quickly we can slip into the trap of discouragement....almost before I knew what was happening or why I felt the way I did I found myself laying in the floor of my apartment crying. I'm not talking a few tears but the full out crying where you can barely even breathe, the way I used to cry when I was a kid and I was sure that the latest catastrophe (whether it was breaking my favorite toy or getting in trouble and getting a spanking) was the end of the world. In the midst of all this though, I could feel my Heavenly Father, my Daddy, there rubbing my back and telling me things were going to be okay just like my earthly parents used to. He knew it wasn't the end of the world...and yet I still felt like it was. And that's when He started pulling, absolutely dragging me out of my funk. It wasn't instantaneous, nor was it permanent I'm sure, but I love how God loves me despite the fact that He knows I will stumble again into discouragement and negativity. I feel like Paul when he said that he did the things he didn't want to do and what he wanted to do he didn't do. I WANT to choose joy over despair, I want to choose victory over defeat, I want to choose God's thoughts and ways over all those that are battling for my attention. I know that God's vision and perspective are so much bigger than my own but when I can't see a way out of an overwhelming situation, in my short-sightedness I find myself losing hope. That's why these words from Romans 8 were such a comfort to me when my friend Bryan send them to me on facebook:

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

I know that God is for me but sometimes I think I am against myself. I have a tendency to let negativity get the best of me. And that's why I am so thankful for God's hand guiding me, pulling me, and sometimes even dragging me kicking and screaming.

i'm yours

so, if you couldn't tell already from the proposal slideshow, "i'm yours" by jason mraz is one of the songs that jamie and i consider special to us. guess you could say it's one of "our songs" if you were gushy like that (which i'm not...ha). so i'm semi-stoked and semi-bummed that it is jason mraz's newest single off his upcoming album. stoked because he is finally officially releasing it and there is a video....bummed because now it will turn into one of those overplayed pop hits on the radio. at any rate, check out the newly released video and let me know what you think ;)

something funny for ya :)

Some of you (Nicole ;)) have been asking to see this video so I thought I would post it. This is a video of a bunch of us doing the Soulja Boy dance for Jamie's birthday....pretty amusing. Would have posted it sooner but it kinda got lost in the shuffle of the proposal (little did I know the surprise Jamie had for me the day we performed this was WAY better than my dancing surprise...ha).

letting go

For the first time since the marathon, I had a really great run the other day. (by great i mean: 1. i actually ran and 2. it was actually fun). Thursday was a beautiful day and it was nice to get outside and just enjoy the weather. The funny thing is that I am usually so OCD about knowing how far I run that I don't even want to run if I'm not going to be able to know the distance (perhaps a consequence of training for races??) . But on Thursday I just got out and ran in the woods...who knows how far? It was nice to let go of that need for control and it really opened the door for God to teach me some things on my run.

In some ways, my run was a metaphor for life. There were periods of time when I was running hard, periods of time when I had to stop and look around for direction, and periods of time where I had to walk or even tiptoe due to rough terrain, mud, water, etc. I think sometimes that is the type of path God leads us on in life. We tend to think unless we are running full speed on smooth, flat ground, things aren't going the way they should be. But if I had stayed on the flat, even path I would have missed a huge portion of the beauty of God's creation and my run would have been completely monotonous.

What's the moral of my story or more importantly the point that I am rambling to get to? It feels awesome to let go, to not know where you are going or how you are going to get there, to know that the path in front of you is not always going to be the easy way....especially when you know the One who is actually in control.

isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

Sometimes I have to laugh at God's sense of humor and irony. The other night at Wired small group we were discussing the discipline of submission. The major idea was that God knows way better than we do and that submission to Him and His will is a question of trust- trusting that He is a Good King who knows and wants what is best for us. During this discussion, the issue of obeying your parents came up and I was able to draw the comparison between God having a greater perspective and not always choosing the easy way and the fact that as a teenager, even though you may think you know better, sometimes your parents have a bigger perspective and a good reason for making you do things "the hard way." Easy lesson to teach...harder one to learn.

Yesterday, as I was having a mini-freak out and feeling totally overwhelmed, inadequate, and humbled by med school, I found myself asking God why He would call me to go back to school and then make it so hard. (Sounding familiar to anyone??) That's when I realized that I wasn't trusting my Daddy, my heavenly Father, to know what was best for me. It was so easy for me to tell my Wired girls that God doesn't always do things the easiest way or the way that seems best to us but here I was asking Him the exact question they asked of their parents: "Why can't I do things my way? It seems so much easier and better." My oh my, how God challenges us to "walk the talk" and brings to light areas in our own life where we are not practicing what we are so quick to advise others to do.

Submission isn't easy and sometimes trusting God's plan isn't either. Though we know that He is a Good King and Father, we wonder why He brings us through the desert or even why He seems to be leaving us there. Yet it is my desire and hope that even in the times that I don't understand why God does what He does, I can say with Jesus: "God not my will, but Yours."

blessed

I have absolutely the best fiance ever. Any of you that know me know that I am not one to gush, but I am just blown away at times by Jamie's thoughtfulness, even in the smallest things. Like for example, sometime last week I saw this super-cute bag at Target (yes, I am obsessed with bags). The picture is below ;)

Cute, right??? Well, I didn't think anything else of it because I knew I didn't have money to spare to buy it. But the other day I went to meet Jamie at Barnes & Noble and he brought me not only the protein bars I needed from Target, but also the fabulous bag :) Then, last night he went above and beyond again by buying me the Invisible Children shirt I had my eye on, as well as making sure Tiffany sold enough books so that she could win her bet with the other roadies. Isn't he the best? Taking care of not only me but also my sister....

The most amazing thing about all of this is that I really used to believe that being treated that way - with thoughtfulness, kindness, and respect - must have been just a selfish desire. I had come to believe that my desire to feel special was something that I just needed to "get over." At the root of this false belief was the fact that my previous relationship was exactly that - mine, not God's. Because I wasn't being treated well, I was deceived into believing that I didn't deserve to be. But God gives us that desire -- the desire to feel loved and appreciated -- because He is the fulfillment of that desire. What we experience here on earth in relationships with others is a mere reflection of how He feels about us. That is why God doesn't want us to settle for second best....for our best, not His. His design, His desire, is for us to be loved as Christ loves the church. I think Janine said it best in her chat to me the other day:

Janine: awe tara

isn't that amazing

God is so in love with you and he pours it out thru jamie

jamie loves you the way Christ loved the church

that's more than amazing

it's God's way, and that's just perfect

on the road to beautiful

"Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing"
-- Charlie Hall "On the Road to Beautiful"

This was pretty much my theme song when training for the marathon, especially on the really long 15-18 mile runs, but I find that it is increasingly becoming my theme song for LIFE. Even though my life is amazingly blessed, sometimes I find myself getting so overwhelmed that I feel like I am struggling to find the strength just to go on. And though I hate that feeling, in a way I know that that point of vulnerability is exactly where I need to be. In all honesty, I can't do anything on my own and that is something that isn't easy for me to admit. Being completely reliant on someone else is not in my nature (as I'm sure all of you who know me well are very aware of), but knowing that my Heavenly Father is absolutely trustworthy allows me to lay everything (including my own weak self) at His feet.

Through countless avenues -- my own experience, the lives of other, the Bible -- God has shown me so clearly that He always provides for His will to be accomplished. We usually think of that provision as financial or material but often God's provision in my life comes through Himself -- His strength, His comfort, motivation to do His work, or just His presence. Right now my struggle is with motivation and discipline. I know that God is the one who called me back to medical school and I know that He will provide for me to accomplish His will, but I am lacking motivation to do my part and to join with God in His work. I am lacking discipline to make myself study when there are so many other things I would rather be doing. I am lacking confidence in my intelligence and ability.

All of these fears and doubts only make me want to run to God more, to be more dependent on Him and yet this desire doesn't always translate into action on my part. So I need YOU as well as God. I need and covet your prayers. God allows us the unique opportunity to intercede for each other, to fight for each other, and to partner with each other to accomplish His work and His will. So will you join me on "the road to beautiful" where we rely on God, but also on each other? Where we know that God provides but we petition for that provision in each others' lives? Where we share each others' faltering as well as victory? Where we truly become the body of Christ, knowing that one part can't work without all of the others?