funk

So this video pretty much describes my life the past couple days. Sometimes I feel myself being dragged down into the pit of despair by med school, other commitments, feeling like I never have time to see my friends or fiance, frustrations with looking for a house to buy, etc. Lately I feel like I have been spreading myself so thin and pouring myself out and yet not feeling successful in any area of my life, almost like a hamster on a wheel -- expending a lot of energy and getting nowhere. And for some reason, maybe due to exhaustion or feeling like I was once again missing out on a fun activity because of studying, last night everything hit the fan. I suddenly found myself being so negative, not hopeful at all -- exactly the way I DON'T want to be. It's funny how quickly we can slip into the trap of discouragement....almost before I knew what was happening or why I felt the way I did I found myself laying in the floor of my apartment crying. I'm not talking a few tears but the full out crying where you can barely even breathe, the way I used to cry when I was a kid and I was sure that the latest catastrophe (whether it was breaking my favorite toy or getting in trouble and getting a spanking) was the end of the world. In the midst of all this though, I could feel my Heavenly Father, my Daddy, there rubbing my back and telling me things were going to be okay just like my earthly parents used to. He knew it wasn't the end of the world...and yet I still felt like it was. And that's when He started pulling, absolutely dragging me out of my funk. It wasn't instantaneous, nor was it permanent I'm sure, but I love how God loves me despite the fact that He knows I will stumble again into discouragement and negativity. I feel like Paul when he said that he did the things he didn't want to do and what he wanted to do he didn't do. I WANT to choose joy over despair, I want to choose victory over defeat, I want to choose God's thoughts and ways over all those that are battling for my attention. I know that God's vision and perspective are so much bigger than my own but when I can't see a way out of an overwhelming situation, in my short-sightedness I find myself losing hope. That's why these words from Romans 8 were such a comfort to me when my friend Bryan send them to me on facebook:

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

I know that God is for me but sometimes I think I am against myself. I have a tendency to let negativity get the best of me. And that's why I am so thankful for God's hand guiding me, pulling me, and sometimes even dragging me kicking and screaming.

i'm yours

so, if you couldn't tell already from the proposal slideshow, "i'm yours" by jason mraz is one of the songs that jamie and i consider special to us. guess you could say it's one of "our songs" if you were gushy like that (which i'm not...ha). so i'm semi-stoked and semi-bummed that it is jason mraz's newest single off his upcoming album. stoked because he is finally officially releasing it and there is a video....bummed because now it will turn into one of those overplayed pop hits on the radio. at any rate, check out the newly released video and let me know what you think ;)

something funny for ya :)

Some of you (Nicole ;)) have been asking to see this video so I thought I would post it. This is a video of a bunch of us doing the Soulja Boy dance for Jamie's birthday....pretty amusing. Would have posted it sooner but it kinda got lost in the shuffle of the proposal (little did I know the surprise Jamie had for me the day we performed this was WAY better than my dancing surprise...ha).

letting go

For the first time since the marathon, I had a really great run the other day. (by great i mean: 1. i actually ran and 2. it was actually fun). Thursday was a beautiful day and it was nice to get outside and just enjoy the weather. The funny thing is that I am usually so OCD about knowing how far I run that I don't even want to run if I'm not going to be able to know the distance (perhaps a consequence of training for races??) . But on Thursday I just got out and ran in the woods...who knows how far? It was nice to let go of that need for control and it really opened the door for God to teach me some things on my run.

In some ways, my run was a metaphor for life. There were periods of time when I was running hard, periods of time when I had to stop and look around for direction, and periods of time where I had to walk or even tiptoe due to rough terrain, mud, water, etc. I think sometimes that is the type of path God leads us on in life. We tend to think unless we are running full speed on smooth, flat ground, things aren't going the way they should be. But if I had stayed on the flat, even path I would have missed a huge portion of the beauty of God's creation and my run would have been completely monotonous.

What's the moral of my story or more importantly the point that I am rambling to get to? It feels awesome to let go, to not know where you are going or how you are going to get there, to know that the path in front of you is not always going to be the easy way....especially when you know the One who is actually in control.