thanksgiving

Above is a picture from my Thanksgiving dinner. This year, my celebration was a little different than in the past. Dinner with the fam was on Wednesday and we headed back to Morgantown yesterday because Jamie had to work and because our community group was having a Thanksgiving dinner for some of our homeless friends who live on the Rail Trail. It was a great celebration and one of the only Thanksgiving dinners where you could hear the quote, "There's a man up there who is becoming a woman. He has boobies." After dinner, we stuck around and played some cards, listened to some after dinner tunes courtesy of Larry (see pic below), talked, and spent a lot of time laughing. All in all, it was one of my more memorable Thanksgivings and the beauty of it was it didn't feel like charity, it didn't feel like a handout....it felt like family. The people you see in this picture are my friends and family, the folks I spend every Sunday with and who accept me exactly the way I am. And for that I am thankful...

Dinner buffet style :)

Larry serenading us after dinner

An intense game of cards...

these are my confessions

I have a confession: I have a jealousy problem... I have an attention-seeking problem... I have a pride problem. I think, well actually I know, this is something everyone struggles with. The thing about my pride is that it's so easy to hide. In the midst of my seeming humbleness I am often harboring thoughts like "Why does that person get all of the recognition?" "Why are they successful when I'm not?" "Why am I not talented like that person?" "Why?...."

The thing about pride and insecurities is that they seem to feed off each other. That seems counter-intuitive, but ultimately insecurities ARE pride because they cause us to focus on ourselves instead of God or others. And when I am consumed by my insecurities and pride, I get tunnel vision. I simply can't keep my focus on God when those things are in my sight line.

Being in med school has further complicated this struggle. It's difficult to be in an environment where you are constantly told that what you do isn't good enough. So when it comes to these feelings welling up my problem is always how to "shut it down" (Jess's favorite phrase). And the more I think about it, the more I think that thankfulness is a big part of the answer.

I have SO much to be thankful for and yet I constantly fall into the trap of wanting what others have. When I remind myself of the amazing blessings in my life, I see how silly my complaining is. When I think of extreme thankfulness like that of Job who said (after losing everything I might add) "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord" or Joseph who said (to his brothers who sold him into slavery) "You meant it for evil but God meant it for good," I realize that I have a lot to learn in the thankfulness arena. So this season, I hope you will join me in realigning my focus, in being thankful not only for what I have, but for what God has given others because I know that His ways are higher than mine and what He has given me, and them, is exactly what we need.

bullet point update

Well, Katy, is this random enough for you? Instead of doing 6 random things for the third time, thought I would give a quick bullet update as opposed to the intense posts as of late :)

• One of the shows I somehow find myself watching lately (usually on Saturday nights when I am studying and waiting for Jamie to get home from work) is 17 Kids and Counting. The name pretty much says it all, but as crazy as it seems to me to have 17 children and 1 on the way it is also very interesting to see this HUGE family living absolutely debt free...makes me reconsider my own financial situation.
• I love music but every now and then (like now) I go through these phases where I don't want to listen to any music because nothing seems to fit quite right...weird, but true.
• I tend to have a love/hate relationship with running and despite that fact that I am training for a half-marathon that I will be running on Jamie's 29th birthday (Jan. 18) I am currently in the hate phase...maybe it has something to do with my weird music phase and the fact that I can't seem to get distracted no matter what music I listen to. Or maybe it's just that it's so cold.
• "A Lot Like Love" is on TV right now and I had forgotten how much I like this movie and its soundtrack. The Aqualung song "Brighter Than Sunshine" is one of my faves and consequently is the ringtone that plays when Jamie calls me.
  
• Our puppy seems to love dirty laundry. Below is a pic of him in his current favorite napping spot, our laundry pile....now if only we could teach him to actually do laundry...
• 'Tis the season of pumpkin ice cream! Edy's brand is amazing and only in stores for a limited time so I highly recommend trying it.
  
• I am getting excited to decorate a "real" house for Christmas as opposed to an apartment. Hopefully we will be getting a real tree...YAY!

TGIF?

Fridays tend to be lonely for me as a Trooper’s wife. On the day that most people are having date nights, going out to dinner, going to the movies, etc. I am usually home alone studying. Adjusting to a schedule that coincides with Jamie’s has been a challenge, especially with the recent addition of Schroder to our lives. I am still working on whether to be productive during the day when Jamie isn’t working or to attempt to make myself nocturnal like my husband. I admit, I’m not sure what the balance should look like yet. It is a weird paradox because I often feel like I am still single as far as hang out time with friends, Friday and Saturday nights at home by myself, etc and yet I still don’t seem to be able to carve out much alone time for myself. I think it is because when Jamie is at work I have procrastinated studying and other things all day long so I feel like it is crunch time to get things done in the evenings.

I often daydream about what it would be like if Jamie and I both had “normal” schedules. I imagine how wonderful it would be for both of us to come home in the evenings and just spend time together instead of studying, working, going to a million meetings, or crashing from sheer exhaustion. But this is where God has us right now so instead of dreaming about what things could be like, we have to roll up our sleeves and work to make things mesh with our current schedules….easier said than done, but something that is worth working for. That’s the thing about marriage – it’s not a happy ending, but instead the beginning of a lot of hard work toward happiness and most of all, toward glorifying God together.

On that note….back to my Friday night of studying ;)

living in the shadows....

Warning: This blog contains actual excerpts from my journal so prepare for the transparency....

As the oldest sibling, I never expected to feel like I was living in the shadow of one of my sisters (yes, Tiff, I'm talking about you). Lately, though, I find a fairly unfamiliar feeling of....sibling rivalry? no...jealousy? maybe a little....inadequacy? maybe a lot....creeping up more and more. As much as I ADORE having Tiff in the same town as me, I can also feel the comparisons between us brewing. Maybe these are mostly in my head and are tied back to that feeling of inadequacy thing (which seems to be pervading so many areas of my life lately), but constantly hearing how awesome Tiffany is makes me feel distinctly un-awesome. Here's the thing... she is awesome...I whole-heartedly agree! But more and more I have begun to feel invisible in comparison.

The thing about living in the shadows is that it's easy to get lost there, to stay in the dark and have a pity party, and that's the opposite of what I want. I want to live in the light of Christ. I don't want to seek my worth in the opinions of others, but I can't lie, what others think (especially those who I am closest to and living in community with) matters to me. And as much as I want to seek my complete fulfillment in Christ alone, I am trying to balance that with our call to live in community, to encourage one another and to spur each other on to righteousness. Somehow I can't reconcile always feeling poured out and never feeling poured into with Christ's will for me. Maybe that's a flaw in my own logic but that's where I am right now....trying to navigate my way out of the shadows and find the light.

randomness...take 2

Well, once again I have been tagged for randomness....this time by Janine and Nicole both of whom are doing some amazing work in Kenya so check out their blogs as well as the Nuru website! Since Janine always wants update on my life, I will try to keep these more recent than my last random post.

1. My new favorite Starbucks treat is the Peppermint Mocha twist for a couple reasons: #1 It is very holiday-ish which I love #2 I actually hate coffee and for some reason Peppermint Mocha is the only coffee I can stand #3 it has fun whipped cream with some kind of pepperminty sprinkles.
2. I feel a little like Napoleon Dynamite these days because "my lips hurt real bad." As the temperature has decreased and winds have increased in the fall to winter transition my lips have become so cracked and dry. Guess I should just ask the school nurse for some chapstick....I'm sure she has like 5 sticks in her drawer ;)
   
3. I have been reading the gospels lately and have been noticing how much the word "immediately" is used, especially in the book of Mark. Still trying to flush out the significance of this but if you have any ideas or know about the word in the original language, please comment and share :)
4. Man, my abs are sore today from running a 3 mile hill run yesterday -- that's how out of shape I am....but, working in getting back in shape and training for a half-marathon in January.
5. Even though my birthday was 2 months ago, I still frequently forget how old I am. When people ask, I'm usually like, "26? Oh no, I mean 27!" Not sure how long it will take me to get used to being 27, but I'd say by that time I will probably be turning 28...
6. I think I must be one of the clumsiest people in the world (and I'm pretty sure Jamie would agree)....An example: The other day I was running around the house so the puppy would chase me (don't ask, he likes to play) and somehow managed to slide across the kitchen floor and fall into our dining room table and chairs, meanwhile hurling into the air the ketchup and mustard I was holding. The end result was me laying in the floor crying (have no idea why) and Schroder whining because he thought I was hurt. I bet it would have been hilarious to watch. Hopefully it will be on my blooper reel ;)
   

I am not going to tag anyone else because I think everyone I know has already been tagged and I can see this vicious cycle of tagging and re-tagging continuing on for eternity.

I do have to give Janine props for inspiring me to use the colorful blog posts. Never even knew I could do that until I saw her "coat of many colors" blog ;)

like a caged animal...

Those of you who read the last post know that Jamie and I just got a dog on Friday. He came from the pound where he was crated for most of the day (a good thing for us now since he is already crate trained). The interesting thing is that now that he has freedom to roam around most of the day and only be in his crate when we aren't here or are in bed, there are times when he would prefer to just go lay in his crate. It is familiar to him, his comfort zone.

As I was reflecting on this, I began to realize that it is much the same way we act in our walk with Christ. We are absolutely free in Him but often we prefer to stay in our cage of comfort and familiarity. What will happen if we branch out? What will happen if we take that first step of faith? What will happen if we run in complete freedom after God? What will happen if we let go of our fear of the unknown and instead live in the presence of the All-Knower?

Why do we continue to live in captivity instead of embracing our freedom?

I love how Charlie Hall describes our freedom in Christ in his song, "Chainbreaker":

You are free
You are free
Yeah the Son has set you free
Drop your chains
Sons and daughters
Come and run in liberty

Maybe we don't realize the power that is in our freedom, that it is something we should run to and rejoice in . We are free from so many things that chain others and yet we don't take advantage of: societal roles and classes, injustice, worry, death, despair...just to name a few. Isaiah puts it this way and Jesus affirms that this is the reason He came to earth:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Not only does Christ set us free, he exchanges the things that enslave us for so much more. Today, I pray that you live in the freedom Christ has given you and take full advantage of your crown of beauty, oil of gladess and garment of praise in times of mourning and despair. Because when we truly live in freedom, not only are we blessed, but we display the Lord's splendor to a world in chains.