Friday, October 24, 2008
unsettled
Big things are happening these days... exciting things, amazing things. They seem to be happening all around me to people I really care about and while I am so happy and excited for them, I can't help but feel a little twinge of... jealousy? desire? discontent? Here's the thing: I want to be doing something I really love, something I am passionate about and that I know is making an impact for Christ. The question I keep asking myself is: Is that where med school is going to get me or am I going to get to the end of this long process and wish I had done something else? I truly felt like this was where God was leading me and yet it is so hard and miserable and unenjoyable most of the time that it makes me wonder why God wouldn't call me to something that I really love. I know this life is about laying down my own life in order to pursue what God has for me (and maybe the misery is just part of class and not medicine itself) and yet it seems so much harder to lay down your life for endless studying, constant stress and missing out on so much time with friends and family than to lay it down for a big adventure. It seems harder to trust God's provision when you could just work and be equally dissatisfied than as when you are traveling across the world or getting to share with others something you are completely passionate about and sold out for. Maybe this is just a little discouragement talking or maybe everyone feels this way, but it is getting increasingly hard to miss out on things I do care about and enjoy to do something I don't and on top of it all, to continually question what my true strengths and gifts are and how they can be used. It is difficult to understand why God would take me away from something I was good at to do something I'm not so good at. I don't have any less confidence that God has a plan for me, I am just wondering and questioning what it is, which I think is all a part of the pursuing process. So here I am: pursuing, questioning, wondering, maybe wandering and trying to figure it all out, one step of faith at a time.
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4 comments:
No freakin' kidding! Please don't be tired of hearding me say this, but when you go from having a Master's degree and working a professional job, volunteering endlessly with kids at church, and spending time with your husband and friends to now sitting at home with a toddler (cooking for him, keeping him from pulling things over on his head and killing himself, POTTY TRAINING...ugh!), you seriously question, "Is this all you have for me, Lord?"
Then I spoke to a very wise girl (who you know very well). She goes by the name 'Tifftastic'...and she said, "Are you kidding me, Andrea? Do you know how many screwed up, non-Christian men there are in this world? What you are doing matters more than you realize."
I think the problem for us, as Christians, is that we have such a huge desire to immediately see the fruits of our labor. I want to KNOW right now that Jadon will grow up and love the Lord and be a kind and righteous man of God. Just like you want to know RIGHT NOW that you will too make an Eternal difference in the work you will later do as a doctor. The hard part is that neither of us have those guarantees. We can only work diligently for the Lord on this day (be it studying for an exam or relentlessly taking a toddler to the potty). And if you don't make a good grade and you missed hanging out with friends for what seems like no reason, and I don't get out of my PJs all day because frankly I'm an exhausted pregnant mom of a toddler...well we both need to thank the Lord just the same. We have our health, faith, family and friends, and most importantly a hope in Christ that will forever endure :)
Thank the Lord for your ability to be in med school (intelligence, finances, and emotional support from those who love you), and I will thank him that I simply get to be a mommy at all. Keep truckin' sister, as will I ;)
Love you!
Girl, I am pretty sure we are the same person!!! LOL!!! I think about this everyday. Especially lately... i know that I only have a year and a half left after this semester, but in reality it feels like an eternity. Being away from Matt and missing out on having fun is just catching up to me. Stress and constant worry is taking years off of my life and I often wonder if I am really going to love nursing and why God would call me to do something that I have to be so devoted to. I'm feeling as though I keep waiting for my life to start and keep wondering if that will ever happen... ??? We need to get together and have coffee one day and chat about life. Deal?
I like you. And I like how honest you are! And I'm sorry you're feeling so unsettled right now-- not a fun place to be. Sometimes I think God puts us in a place because we need to be in that place in order to get to another place, if that makes any sense at all. I think it's okay to be unhappy right now-- God didn't place a desire for med school on your heart, he placed a desire for medicine. And if that desire changes, it's okay too. You're a smart smart smart cookie, and I know you're going to go so far in this life, all the while building up treasures in heaven :)
Dang Andrea's smart! ;) I love her comment. I know this struggle. I have walked it myself, and I have walked it with you. If you remember, you also struggled with believing you'd "ever find your husband" WELL...now you're happily married, awesome house, and a new puppy. God's timing is impeccable. Funny how that is really?! But, I do want to say that YOU MATTER TO ME! and from this place, I can "see" the effect you are having in your Morgantown community. Tara, what if your entire purpose for Med School was for One person to see Jesus in you, and for you to soften their heart to the saving Love of Christ? What if that is the purpose of all your hassle, studying, missing friends and family hang outs,...What if? Honestly, think about that, and think, is it worth it?
Of course the "big adventure" is appealing, but they all look different - PS I need you here! your Pharm and Med skills will be SO handy when we can talk. you'll see what I mean later. BUT, back to the question....
God asks you to follow him. He promises to be there right beside you and sometimes carrying you. And maybe the purpose is one person's salvation. What would you say in response to God if he gave you the scenario before you chose? Would you do it?
I can already tell you that I am SURE your faith has been NOTICED! ;) I KNOW IT!!! And...our community is so blessed to have you and your passion and your vision and your service RIGHT there.
I read your Jeremiah post after this one, and I thought, Man, Their Welfare is hers! you are investing! Thank you. You are an incredible example, and I'm not just saying that! I am so so so so serious! Ok, nuff for now, skype me tomorrow! I'll tell ya how much I love ya then! ;) ~ J
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