these are my confessions

I have a confession: I have a jealousy problem... I have an attention-seeking problem... I have a pride problem. I think, well actually I know, this is something everyone struggles with. The thing about my pride is that it's so easy to hide. In the midst of my seeming humbleness I am often harboring thoughts like "Why does that person get all of the recognition?" "Why are they successful when I'm not?" "Why am I not talented like that person?" "Why?...."

The thing about pride and insecurities is that they seem to feed off each other. That seems counter-intuitive, but ultimately insecurities ARE pride because they cause us to focus on ourselves instead of God or others. And when I am consumed by my insecurities and pride, I get tunnel vision. I simply can't keep my focus on God when those things are in my sight line.

Being in med school has further complicated this struggle. It's difficult to be in an environment where you are constantly told that what you do isn't good enough. So when it comes to these feelings welling up my problem is always how to "shut it down" (Jess's favorite phrase). And the more I think about it, the more I think that thankfulness is a big part of the answer.

I have SO much to be thankful for and yet I constantly fall into the trap of wanting what others have. When I remind myself of the amazing blessings in my life, I see how silly my complaining is. When I think of extreme thankfulness like that of Job who said (after losing everything I might add) "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord" or Joseph who said (to his brothers who sold him into slavery) "You meant it for evil but God meant it for good," I realize that I have a lot to learn in the thankfulness arena. So this season, I hope you will join me in realigning my focus, in being thankful not only for what I have, but for what God has given others because I know that His ways are higher than mine and what He has given me, and them, is exactly what we need.