Warning: This blog contains actual excerpts from my journal so prepare for the transparency....
As the oldest sibling, I never expected to feel like I was living in the shadow of one of my sisters (yes, Tiff, I'm talking about you). Lately, though, I find a fairly unfamiliar feeling of....sibling rivalry? no...jealousy? maybe a little....inadequacy? maybe a lot....creeping up more and more. As much as I ADORE having Tiff in the same town as me, I can also feel the comparisons between us brewing. Maybe these are mostly in my head and are tied back to that feeling of inadequacy thing (which seems to be pervading so many areas of my life lately), but constantly hearing how awesome Tiffany is makes me feel distinctly un-awesome. Here's the thing... she is awesome...I whole-heartedly agree! But more and more I have begun to feel invisible in comparison.
The thing about living in the shadows is that it's easy to get lost there, to stay in the dark and have a pity party, and that's the opposite of what I want. I want to live in the light of Christ. I don't want to seek my worth in the opinions of others, but I can't lie, what others think (especially those who I am closest to and living in community with) matters to me. And as much as I want to seek my complete fulfillment in Christ alone, I am trying to balance that with our call to live in community, to encourage one another and to spur each other on to righteousness. Somehow I can't reconcile always feeling poured out and never feeling poured into with Christ's will for me. Maybe that's a flaw in my own logic but that's where I am right now....trying to navigate my way out of the shadows and find the light.
3 comments:
Tara, you are an AMAZING girl!!!! I am often pretty jealous of you and all that you are and all that you do. Being so involved with church and different outreach and still going to med school (i'm in nursing school and couldn't even make myself take a break and go to invivisble children the other night..) and going to Africa like 2 weeks before you got married or whatever. You are AN AMAZING woman of God, and you have this heart that just pours out on other people. I've never told you this but I look up to you and Tiffany both. I admire you and you both have this call and this heart that is so outgoing and compassionate. You both sincerely show how much you care for others and the heart that you have for those in need. I understand your post and how you may feel that way. But let me just remind you that you did something most people would NEVER EVER DO: you went to AFRICA... BY YOURSELF!!!! You made the trek across the WORLD... alone! All for God's call on your life. Hang in there Tara... you are amazing and God has HUGE Plans for you! :-) (hmmm... I wish I could tell myself that and take my own advice...LOL)
I want to say something extremely profound, but I lack time and the brain capacity :/ I just want you to know that, if we ever do get to start a kibbutz, you can be the mayor of the community. I CANNOT imagine having a Tiff without her sister Tara and vice versa! You two are different, not very different, just different, but with equally hilarious senses of humor and equally important talents and passions in life. I mean, how different are each of us (the former super ladies of Wired team)? That's why I loved being together at meetings, etc. with you guys---we fed off of each other's gifts. When you become a mommy one day, your understanding of this will become clearer, I assure you. My sister and I are like night and day, just as I'm sure Jadon and Macy will be. I DO NOT desire for Macy to be like Jadon...I want her to be unique in her own way (and not a Matchbox car-loving maniac). As their mommy, I pray they appreciate each other's God-given gifts, talents, and passions in life, never feeling envy of the other one's...just as I pray you can overcome this jealousy/approval-seeking/sibling-stuff (whatever we label it) and celebrate the way God truly knit you together. You are wonderful just the way you are!
Tara, my dear sister. It's interesting that you write this because honestly, I have felt the same way about you most of my life. It wasn't until the last couple of years that I came into my own and really started feeling and seeing God's purpose for me, uniquely me. I know that's hard when you are in school and not loving it and wondering what exactly God is doing. I appreciate your transparency so much. I think it shows tremendously how you've grown and allows those of us who adore you to speak encouragement into your life.
Let me say this. God has gifted you in so many ways that I admire. You are the most considerate person I know. You always take the time to write little notes or encourage people individually. You see people and have a compassion that I've never seen before, but instead of just feeling for them, you do something to be a part of the solution. I think you're Wonder Woman ;) a lot of the time. I have no idea how you do so much for others while being in school and being a good wife and a good sister and friend. I struggle with the balance that seems natural for you. And not only that, you find time to cook, run and train, study, and be gorgeous all the time, even when you don't try.
I would not be the person that I am today apart from you. The things you do that maybe you don't even know people notice have radically challenged and changed my life. I journal because I saw you do it and recognized its power. Your commitment to being consistently in God's word is a large part of why I read my Bible. Your servant heart and leadership showed me the profound power of servanthood and a beautiful picture of Christ.
Tiffany Newcomb wouldn't exist the way she does today with you . I don't even know where I'd be. Your consistent example throughout my life has challenged me and changed me. I love you and owe more to God working through you than I even know how to say.
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